Recently I have been overwhelmed with the urge to write. Nothing especially poetic, I’ve just been feeling so much and I can only process so much of it at one time. Today I identified the fact that I’m still really angry at my ex-boyfriend. We have been broken up for quite awhile and I thought I had come to terms with what happened. However I realized today that I’m still harboring a lot of hurt. I had never felt the way I felt about him about anyone. I was completely in love with him. The girl who had never had any aspirations of getting married was contemplating a future with a white gown and maybe even a kid one day. Knowing that, he lied to me over and over and over. And I was stupid enough to forgive him over and over and over. I wanted us to work out so badly because I thought I finally had something good. I always had this deep belief that I wouldn’t end up in a normal happy relationship because all I had ever been a part of was dysfunction. Looking back now, I think I was right - but I was gullible enough hope for something different.
My mom came by again today, I can’t even express the confusion and sadness that I feel when I see her. She is telling me about the job she thinks she got, which is basically door-to-door sales. I would never look down on someone for working, I just wish my mom didn’t have to get excited about $18 for each signature. I hate that she sleeps in her car and I hate that she calls and leaves me voicemails in tears because its my sister’s birthday and she knows she can’t wish her a happy birthday directly since she won’t answer her calls. It makes me sad and also irritated that my mom wants to come to my other sister’s soccer games but my sister doesn’t want her there. I get it, my mom put them through a lot and she put me through a lot, I just wish I didn’t have to exist in so many fragmented pieces that I can’t put back together. I’m in so many pieces and none of them feel good and none of them make sense.
I want to love myself. I want to be someone else. I want to show my sisters they can overcome. I want to hide and give up. I want to be different. I want to be the same as some other pretty girl with long blonde hair and long thin legs and a way with words that allows flirting to come naturally. I want to lie, I want to tell the truth. I want to tattoo my truth all over my body and I want to remove every piece of ink from my body. Sometimes I feel like two people split down the middle and attached to each other and neither can escape.
Thanks for dealing with my emotional roller coaster lately, friends.
Recently I’ve had some of my least favorite issues, that I keep buried as deeply down as possible, bubble right to the surface and demand to be dealt with. Not that I’ve had any time to actually address them.
I’ve realized recently as soon as I develop any time of romantic interest in a male, my confidence takes a nosedive. For no reason. Its not that they say or do something that makes me feel poorly. Its legitimately a knee jerk reaction. As soon as I recognize that I have interest in someone, I automatically start thinking of all the things they probably don’t or won’t like about me. Not that they have ever said any of these things themselves, I just like to make them up and use them to talk myself of getting my hopes up. They won’t like me because their ex girlfriend was prettier or because I have tattoos or because too outspoken or because I’m not lady like enough or any other plethora of reasons that in reality probably have nothing to do with anything. I’ve actually had to make a list of the things that there is to like about me, just to remind myself too have a little confidence.
Its the strangest thing, you know. I’m very aggressive in other aspects of my life and I go after what I want. I fought tooth and nail to get back into university, even though I was a non-traditional student. I spent most of my life protecting my siblings from addict and abusive parents. I got my coaching certification and now coach CrossFit (which believe it or not used to scare the hell out of me) BUT as soon as there is a guy that I like, I can barely make conversation. Seriously, its really bad. I clam up, I can’t make eye contact, I can’t think of anything witty or funny to say and I DEFINITELY lose all ability to flirt.
If I don’t have any interest in the guy or he’s married I have absolutely no issue talking to them, joking around, being funny etc. Its a curse. You guys its not like I’m horrendously ugly or out of shape. I just lose all of my confidence around people who’s bones I would like to jump (haha).
All of that is sort of funny, but the truth is that I think some of that really stems from a deep lack of self worth. I’m trying to learn how to correct it, but its hard to know where to start or even where its all stemming from. Logically I know that it shouldn’t matter if one person likes or dislikes me, finds me attractive or doesn’t. None of that is really important in theory - I mean who cares if you get turned down, at least you tried right? Not for me. The idea of getting turned down petrifies me.. .FOR NO REASON.
ugh. Sorry for this verbal vomit.